I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
