i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
