oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
