My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
