The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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