Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
