so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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