she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My vagina is officially offended.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
