I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
