im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
