I think I just saw someone hide a body.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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