My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
