you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I met the friendliest cop last night
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
