the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Come share oat with me in your robe
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
