tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
