i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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