found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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