whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
