How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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