Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
