wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
