matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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