ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
