sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
