I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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