There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
