Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize