ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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