tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
