anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
