No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
