Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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