she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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