I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
