She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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