Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
