Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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