quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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