your room smells of hookers.
And success
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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