I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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