i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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