I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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