he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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