you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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