What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
