Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize