Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
