my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
