shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize