Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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