Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize