you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
