i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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