i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
