Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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