Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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