I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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