My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
