I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
