Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
