I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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