i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Couch. On fire.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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