i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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