I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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