Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
