She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We need to rekindle our bromance
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
