Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
