I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
